Order Only: Private Message to Moony

[alt_sirius]

You asked what happened with Terrie and like I said, I've been wanting to tell you - I'm still trying to figure it all out myself.

First, though, tell Dora I'll travel on Tuesday, okay? Lucinda got a message to the witch in Cotgrave - her name is Langworthy - and we're to meet tomorrow.

Well.

I guess the first thing I should do is reassure you that I have not abandoned Terrie. Things are far from resolved but it's not as if I've simply chucked her or anything.

It's funny, though, the things I never thought would matter but do. I think I told you that there's a strong possibility that her child was fathered by her boss. She admitted that much right away, it's part of what's upsetting her. Merlin knows I sympathise - no witch in her right mind would want to make a baby with that bastard - but I can't quite ignore that she knew the risk when she dropped her protections. I certainly can't ignore that she made the decision without my consent, either.

So I guess, under those circumstances, I have to admit that the child's paternity does matter to me. Though not entirely for the reasons she assumed. When I asked if she intended to perform a paternity charm, she turned defensive as anything. Some of her accusations were probably on the mark - as I said, I am somewhat doubtful the child's mine, since it was barely four weeks since I'd seen her when she told me, so the timing was awfully quick if she hadn't been expecting to succeed. And she's right that if Birchmore caught even a whiff of Terrie going to a hedgewitch for a paternity test he'd start by firing her and it'd get worse from there.

The real reason's far more complicated, of course. But that's not important right now. What's important is that she assumed I'd tell her exactly what you assumed I'd tell her; That I don't care who the father is, that I'll stay involved either way, that of course I love her and I'll love the child and - well.

And it's not that I blame her, exactly, for wanting someone to save her from Birchmore's attentions. But it's not as if I can simply acknowledge the child and marry her and send her off to Moddey. She's still reticent to work for the Order on a regular basis - doesn't even really want to know more about us, save what she's already guessed and done. She's afraid. Afraid for her mother, afraid to lose what she's already managed to scrape together for herself - and frankly I don't think, deep down, she really wants to leave that life.

As for my other reasons .... It's just. You know, I always said I didn't want kids of my own. I've even been careful to avoid women who already have children or who might want to settle down. Now that I'm confronted with the prospect, I realise - it does matter to me whether the child is a Black. Especially if it's a boy. Isn't that odd?

I just - we can't seem to come to any sort of agreement about it. I know what she wants me to say and do, I know that at least in part she deliberately manipulated the situation so that I would feel obligated to rescue her. And yet she doesn't really want rescue so much as ... legitimacy. Which I don't have to point out to you is the one thing I certainly can't give her in the eyes of the Protectorate.

I told her that I couldn't take responsibility for the child without knowing for sure that I'm the father. She said she might be able to get her mediwitch to test this month - it's her four-month check, so that's the right timing anyway, as you probably know better than I. Until then, we're at an impasse, I suppose.

Well. That's what's happened. Now it's your turn to tell me I'm out of order and then Allie will do and then - I dunno, I suppose I'll live in a cave like a hermit rather than risk this sort of pickle again.

Comments

[alt_sirius]

I don't need a lecture on safe sex, Remus. Believe me, I've had enough of it to know how to achieve protection. You're not listening to what I'm saying. She lied about her contraceptive charm. She lied about my needing any additional countermeasures.

She started off insisting that she expects nothing from me, she's doing this to fulfill her own needs and all that. Knew how I felt and doesn't want me to feel like I've got to change my life to suit her.

But that's a lie as well, isn't it?

Even if the child is my by-blow, in which case I know I will feel responsible - probably more than you can imagine - I can't see a future for her and me. That's why the paternity matters. Because if the child really is a Black, well ... then there are things I'd want to ... provide. But if it's not - then she took her risk. She made her choice.

And I can't see trusting her with the secret of Moddey Dhoo, either. Not when she'd do something as rash as this without thinking it all through.

[alt_lupin]

Even if she hadn't lied, contraceptive potions and charms and what not have been known, on occasion, not to work properly. Which is why -- look, I agree that what she did wasn't ethical but you can't deny it takes two.

What exactly does she want from you? It's not as if you have some stable or simple life you can whisk her off to, even if the child's yours and even if you want to. (And yes, I got that she says she doesn't need or want or expect anything from you, but that's clearly a lie, or at least a game, not anything she means. You must have some idea what she wants.)

[alt_sirius]

Yes, well. Bea wasn't exactly planned out, was she? All I'm saying is I'm normally careful.

I think I could tell you what she wants if she knew, yeah?

What she wants is to be able to tell her boss that he can't touch her anymore because she's got herself a man and they're having a baby together. What she wants is for me to hide in her house so she can take care of me and the child and - I dunno, we'll replace Gary and Alicia. What she wants is to pretend that we're not in the middle of a war, that if she takes a tiny risk here and there, everything will change back to the way it was, and she'll be safe and happy. She wants me to tell her that I don't care about any of her duplicity or any of the rest of it because hooray, we're having a baby together!

What she doesn't want is to lose the place she's carved out for herself - but that's going to happen even if she tells Birchmore that it's someone else's child. She just doesn't want to admit that he's going to fire her either way.

[alt_lupin]

No, but -- I made my bed, I'm lying in it.

I don't know. What she really needs isn't a husband, it's a new job. Which you can't get for her. Can you?

[alt_sirius]

Whether I can or not, she'll be needing one. That's my bet, anyway.

But. It's not something we're going to resolve today.

I mean to say, I wish I could be noble about it. I wish I weren't angry about having been tricked, especially about something as important as a child.

But I am. You can tell me that it's morally bankrupt to feel that way and from the outside I'd probably agree with you. But you've been there as well - not that Dora trapped you, just that it was an accident - and you should know as well as I that it's not as simple as telling yourself how you're supposed to feel and then - feeling it.

[alt_lupin]

I don't blame you for being angry.

And you're right. If you'd agreed to have a child with her, I think you'd bear some responsibility here even if it wasn't yours. But she lied and tricked you, and it might not even be yours --

Still, she'd helped you -- us -- in the past. Enough to put herself in hot water if it ever comes to light, so we probably don't have to worry about her turning on you. Still.

[alt_lupin]

And goodness knows I'm not going to tell you to find yourself a respectable false identity and marry her.

That would be as much of a disaster for her as it would be for you. Whether she realises it or not.

[alt_sirius]

Good. That may have worked for you and Dora but

No.