Order Only: Big Announcement

Right, well, it's no use denying it anymore: I've a confession to make.

I've been corresponding with a woman for the better part of a year and I've decided to ask for her hand in marriage. This may shock some of you, particularly when I tell you who she is. But I'll get to that.

There are some problems we'll have to face. I like to go out dancing or ride the bike; she thinks Voldemort is pretty cute, in a creepy sort of way. She doesn't know I'm an Animagus, nor would she approve, I'm sure. We've not discussed finances - I'm sure she has more money than I have currently, but I don't know if she'll mind having a 'kept man' or whether she'd expect me to continue working (though certainly not with the Order). She's in England and I'm, well, here, and for me to return, as you all know, means I'd likely be captured. Well, sure to be captured, in fact, if I show up at her place of business or allow myself to be seen anywhere with her in public.

There's a bit of an age difference, too. And the obsession with pink, kittens and a severe need for a steady supply of cough drops.

But I think we can get past all that. If anyone can arrange a pardon, well -- it's not her. But it's worth it to be with the woman I love.

Yes, it's true: I'm in love with Dolores Umbridge, the Bullfrog of the Ministry. Trust me, I'm as mystified as anyone.

I wanted you all to be the first (well, third, fourth, fifth, etc.) to know.