Order Only: Private Message to Harry

[alt_sirius]

So.

We can talk here now. That's good. But you've got your mirror, don't forget. Anytime you need it.

And anytime you want to come over to Grimmauld. It's your house too, in a way. If you like.

How have you been sleeping? I saw Hermione said that it's even less of a picnic now, at Buckingham. So ... Well, as I say, anytime you want to get away, feel free.

All right?

Comments

[alt_sirius]

It's all right, Harry. I want you to have some fun, too, and Merlin knows flying isn't very safe round Grimmauld. Though you could certainly fly from Buckingham to Laszlo's.

If you think a regular meeting is better then that's fine. Of course, the others are welcome. Even Draco, I guess. Perhaps Hydra's been a good influence on him, like you and Hermione have been. I just ... I want you to feel like it's your home, too.

Just be careful, around him. Them. All of them. Especially Bellatrix. And just because someone's not a Legilimens doesn't mean they can't pick up on lying, either.

I'm glad you're all right.

[alt_harry]

Maybe Hermione and me could just go off shopping or something without telling anyone and see how weird they get about it. To see if we could just sort of go whenever.

Sometimes they care a lot, and sometimes it's like they forget I'm there.

And when they care, it's that I'm doing what they want me to do. They don't care about me, I mean, not what I think or anything. Or what I want. But sometimes it's like He Voldemort just sort of wants me to do something like with Madame Umbridge, and the Tournament, and the ceremony at the end of last term, and it's like all of a sudden I'm the most important thing and no matter what I do, someone's going to get hurt.

But then when Mr Selwyn was killed, it was like I was just there for no reason. Just there to watch. And I don't know when he'll decide to remember I'm around and that I've got to do something, or what it'll be, and it's sort of

I don't know.

[alt_sirius]

I think he doesn't know, half the time, what to do with you, Harry. He expects you to behave in certain ways and you can't, you're not that person. So he's surprised when you don't perform to his expectations because it never occurs to him that you're you're own sort of person. The sort your mum and dad would be proud of.

But that's why I think you feel pulled in all directions, because he can't decide how to turn you into the man he wants you to be.

My parents did sort of the same thing - not to that extreme, of course. My father never expected me to commit murder for him. But he did have a way of ignoring me, and Regulus, until it suited him to put us on display. Mother was even worse when it came to shifting the ground we thought we stood on. One never knew whether she wanted to kiss us or curse us. All I can tell you is that it's not you, Harry, it's not your fault, and if you can't please him - and you can't, you never will - then it's not worth worrying about succeeding in whatever he wants you to do. Stay true to yourself. Don't go out of your way to defy him but don't compromise yourself just to keep him from going mental. If you need to run, just run. You, Hermione, Draco - any of you. It's not worth sticking around if you think he's going to kill any of you.

As for the ritual, I don't know any more than you do why you had to be there. We have some theories, but that's all they are. I think he wanted you to see him create the Horcrux. I think he still thinks you might embrace the Dark Arts and emulate his examples. Albus had another thought. I don't know if you want to hear it but I think you deserve to know. His theory was that Voldemort had you brought there in case something went wrong with Selwyn. So he'd have a ... backup, if you will. Another potential vessel, in case he needed someplace else to lodge. Or - there may be other things he thought he could use you for.

But that's the point, Harry: You already know that he doesn't see you as anything but a piece in his chess game. We'll show him he's wrong to underestimate you but for now, it's probably better that he thinks you're just a rebellious teenager who is no threat at all.

[alt_harry]

I don't want to make him happy. That's the last thing I want to do. I just want to keep him from hurting as many people as I can.

He nearly destroyed Hogwarts just to put me through a test. Sophie Fleet died because of it. And when we did what we did to Madame Umbridge, it wasn't because that's what he wanted. It's because it was what we needed to do.

[alt_sirius]

But my point, Harry, is that he's going to hurt people whether you try to keep it from happening or not. And when he does, it's not because you did the right thing or the wrong thing. It's because he's an insane, power-mad murdering bastard.

And things like Madam Umbridge - well, that's what I mean. You weren't thinking about him and you did what you needed to do. Same with the Ministry and little Arista Selwyn. You weren't thinking about the consequences. And you did the right thing. Your only mistake was not telling us about it (though I've heard Miss Perks' theory that that was the Felix Felicis and thus was not a mistake). We're here to help you, Harry. All of you.

But if you trust your instincts, you'll be all right.

[alt_harry]

Okay.

[alt_harry]

I was wondering why I was there.

It makes sense.

I mean, that he'd think of me like that.

I guess I just won't let him get that close next time. Or at least I can try.