Order Only: Private Message to Hydra

[alt_sirius]

Hullo, cousin.

How are you doing?

Listen, loads of people are going spare over Evelyn and Sinistra and who knows who else keeping ties. Maybe you're still angry, too, and you've a right to be.

I just thought, perhaps, in all the fuss and to-do, there haven't been enough people thanking you. For what you did out there. For what it must have taken to overcome him.

Well done. There was quite a queue for that particular kill, but I don't know if any of us could have done it alone.

Comments

[alt_hydra]

Lots of people are angry an unhappy about all sorts of things. I think it must be a delayed reaction to what Barty did to so many people, and then topping it off with the discovery of Linus Moon's family. Among other things.

And yes, a part of me is thinking: "well, at least you didn't have to kill him." And also "at least you didn't have to visit a number of his crime scenes, where the bodies were still fresh and the smell of burnt flesh was still on the air."

And -

"At least you're not me."

But I think that fever wiped away whatever self-pity I might want to indulge in. So, I'm all right, actually. But thank you for asking.

If people still feel an attachment to Antonin, or to anyone else, that's their matter to deal with. I feel sorry for them, more than anything, because they've committed themselves to a story where they understand the object of their attachment in a way that no one else does (and vice versa). If they keep holding on to this story then it could prevent them from doing a good many things. Or it could make them do something dangerous, or foolish.

I've had those attachments and everyone knows it. I know I even came close to having one with Barty. Perhaps it's good that I did, because if I hadn't, I probably wouldn't have ever acquired the skills or knowledge to best him in a duel. (Barely.)

A part of me still can't believe that I did. I keep thinking he'll show up in the journals with some kind of taunting, luring message. But then I close my eyes and I see it all over again, how he died. No one comes back from that.

But I think I could only kill him because I shut the door on him. I shut it right after the Battle here at Hogwarts. He kept nudging it back open and sticking his head in, and even managed to get under my skin in all kinds of ways, but it was still him doing the nudging.

I'm sure it's much harder to shut the door on Antonin. He knows how to make a person feel so special and unique. He makes a person feel chosen, completely accepted. You get to be part of his "family." And now his family feels like they're betraying him.

Sinistra and Evelyn - they're good, and they're not comfortable with betrayal in most of its forms.

Antonin probably isn't comfortable with betrayal, either. Not when it involves his family, or his traditions. Though he did make Inferi, so who's to say?

But why would Draco and Dora care about betraying Antonin (who was still dead at the time)? Are they meant to care that others have a problem with betraying Antonin? If every decision in the field came down to how every individual outside the field feels, nothing would get done.

And you know, I was a bit out of it, but I don't think anyone made much of a fuss about Barty being left in the forest until after Antonin turned up alive. So for those still attached to him, perhaps it's more about making absolutely sure that he knows they don't approve. Preserving their image in his eyes.

Daphne's still buried with the Lestranges. Her parents wanted her with the Greengrasses in Brighton. No one feels betrayed or upset about that. Especially not her parents, since they're dead.

That reminds me that I should try to see if I can contact Astoria and Queenie.

[alt_sirius]

No one made any fuss because no one thought there was anyone to mourn Crouch. And strange as it seems, he is mourned and you're right, there are people who (however inexplicably) care that someone who loved him is in pain because he's gone.

I happen to agree with you, 100%, though, that the reason they care is Dolohov is so infernally good at making people care.

Out of curiosity, is Justin on the side of feeling he's betraying a 'family' or no? I haven't even had a chance to ask how he feels about the Jugsons. I know there was no love lost but they were good to him, in their way.

Anyway, it seems to me that Crotch's strategic value, now, is in how desperate Dolohov can be made to try to get to him. And even if people feel squeamish about leaving him where he lies, if it's going to do us any good, then it's also a necessary, if ghastly, course of action.

So, you say you're not feeling self-pity, but you keep fearing he'll be back, and you keep seeing him die when you close your eyes. Are you sure that qualifies as 'all right'? Because it would be normal to feel a little unsettled by what happened.

[alt_hydra]

Oh, no. Justin slammed the door hard. He's made himself focus on all of Antonin's bad qualities until he can't see anything else. The Jugsons - well, he wasn't close to my Aunt and Uncle. I wasn't very, either. Remy and Alfie thought it would be nift to join the Order, but I'm not sure they really understood what it meant. Especially Alfie. He was a bit weird when he learned that Justin is muggleborn, too, while Remy was mostly petulant that Justin kept it a secret from him.

I really will miss Remy. He could be so daft, but it was endearing sometimes. And he was my friend when I didn't really have any others.

[alt_sirius]

You all must be beyond fatigued at losing all your agemates. The worst part is knowing that so many of your generation will never see what we rebuild.

[alt_hydra]

Doesn't that make my generation a repeat of your generation?

We just have to make sure it stops here.

[alt_sirius]

It's worse from here, somehow, looking at you. You, Draco, Hermione, Justin, Ron - knowing that only some things get easier. Other things ... stay hollow, no matter what happiness one musters in the moment.

I'm sorry. We're supposed to have the answers and I'm fresh out.

[alt_hydra]

It's all right, I wasn't asking.

You sound tired.

[alt_sirius]

I'm tired of letting you lot bear the burden, that's all.

[alt_hydra]

You don't have to let us, I suppose. I'm not sure what you think a different option would look like. Do you have something in mind?

Only you said you were out of answers, so. Maybe not.

[alt_hydra]

And me, I wouldn't say that I'm unsettled.

Though perhaps if I were, people would feel better about things. It would be normal, as you say.

I think I'm being protected from feeling unsettled right now. Maybe forever. Which should be a scary thought but again, I'm not sure that it is.

[alt_sirius]

I think you've the right to feel however it makes you feel. And if you aren't troubled then you're probably very lucky, or you've done a fantastic job of maintaining the perspective that what you did you had no choice about doing.

And maybe you'll feel it down the line, when you're not expecting it. That's all right, too. Or perhaps you won't, and that's okay.