Order Only: Private Message to Nymphadora and Alice

[alt_sirius]

All right, you two.

I've had another letter from Harry. I want to make sure the bits about women are on-target. You're the two who immediately come to mind to make sure I give him advice that shan't result in a hexing.

So, you should both know he's very concerned about the prophecy and that killing Voldemort (if he even can do) will instantaneously turn him into some soul-sucking Dementor (which is rubbish, of course, and I'm telling him so).

But beyond that, he's quite concerned that any girl he asks will feel as if she has to acquiesce to him because of his powerful connections.

There's one girl he mentions in particular. I can't tell from what he says if he's actually interested in her but I think I recall that she's the one he asked to the Yule Ball last year. She's apparently just broken up with the Head Boy (so right away, not necessarily a great time to catch her, if she's on the rebound) and Harry says, '[Cedric's] been under lots of pressure because of being Head Boy and other things, and he told her so, and she got angry and split up with him because of it. How would I ever know that they liked me because of me, and not because of .... how important I’m supposed to be.'

Right. Here's what I plan to tell him:

There are ways you can tell if a girl likes you for you and not just your family or your reputation or your Gringotts account. But mostly they have to do with getting to know her and letting her get to know you. In this case, if she couldn't handle dating a boy who has the normal sorts of pressures, Head Boy and so on, I don't think she'd necessarily give you the sort of support you need. But perhaps you're not interested in talking to her, just snogging her.

Nothing wrong with that, so long as that's all she's interested in, too.

As far as figuring out if you're taking advantage - well, again, I think it's all in how you read the signals she gives you. If she smiles back or if you get the feeling she'd rather be somewhere else. I can't imagine you'd go on spending time with someone who tells you one thing while her attitude is saying something different. So, watch for the signs that she's bored or unhappy. Try a double-date if you think that would help take the pressure off, or go with her and a group of friends so you'll feel more comfortable. (Don't ask when she's with a group, mind. Get her alone so she can say no if that's what she wants to say - and tell her that it's okay if she does, no hard feelings.) But even if a girl accepts on the basis of who she thinks you are, that's all right. It means she's getting something she's looking for, too, doesn't it? And I think you'll be able to tell, sooner or later, if that's all there is or if there might be something more meaningful in your, er, relationship.

He's not liable to get himself slapped or jinxed, following that, is he?

(Oh, and Alice, he asked about Dudley and whether there's a chance he'll reply. All right if I tell him that Duds is working on a response? I want to warn him to be kind since writing is not something that comes easily to his cousin.)

Comments

[alt_alice]

That all looks like rather sound advice, love. (And I'm very glad he wrote you back. I told you he would.)

Not sure if there's any easy answers to that one, but I do think you've given him something to start with. I can see how he'd be a bit unsure about letting people get to know him. And how he'd be the sort to worry about taking advantage, which is rather sweet, and means he's far less likely to as a result -- and as long as he's upfront about his worries, the right sort of girl could find that endearing.

Dudley's working on his response, yes. He's taking his time with it, and this is the most I've ever seen him think about anything.

[alt_sirius]

Do you mind if I get you to write that to Remus as well? He seems convinced I'll never amount to anything where the title of Agony Uncle is concerned. Or maybe Dora can tell him if she agrees; he'll believe her if she says it.

I hadn't thought that the right sort of girl would like him asking but you're right. Of course, a clever girl would tell him it's gallant and sweet, too.

And yes, anytime Ellie needs to write things it's a fairly involved process. We've been having her copy out sections of the Standard Book of Spells as practice for both penmanship and casting.

Since I'm sending owls, I'm also putting together an addendum to the orders for Aleks. Can we tell him about how many people to expect making their way to France on his return trip? It'll help him to know approximately the number of blankets, food for the ship, and other immediate supplies he'll need to leave room for in the hold.

[alt_alice]

Dudley's been sitting privately with Jude -- it'd be too insulting to just put him with the seven year olds, but he's been doing their lessons. He's picking up on it rather quickly, though, and now that he's got good reason to, I think he'll be quite motivated to learn as much as he can.

The Hopeful can carry fifteen plus two crew, and we can certainly see if we can find that many people between now and solstice to bring along. Let Frank and I know if it'd be too many.

[alt_sirius]

Fifteen should be all right, Allie. Thanks.

[alt_nymphadora]

Sorry I was too knackered last night to give this proper thought. I'm not much better now, but I have been thinking about what you've said to him here, and while I think it's mostly spot on, I'm a little, well, bothered... by what you say at the end about the chance a girl might say yes because she wants something out of dating Harry because of who he is.

You're right, I expect, that some girls might do. But. Telling him a girl might and then saying she'd be getting something she wants from it, well, that's hinting it would be all right for him to date her for similar reasons (whatever he might want from a girl that's not based on really liking her as someone special)--that gives him a well convenient way of excusing rather shabby treatment of girls, because in his spot, he's always going to think the girl could be using him, and here you're telling him that's all right because, really, he can use girls right back and it's all fine.

I don't think that's quite how you meant it, but I think it would be better if you left him to make up that bit of special logic on his own. That way, if he turns out to be the sort of bloke who takes advantage and thinks girls are getting what they want from him no matter how he treats them, then all right, but he won't have got the idea for it from Sirius Black.

[alt_sirius]

I see what you're saying, Dora, but his whole point is that he's afraid to even approach a girl because he's certain that no matter what, she'll not give him an honest answer. My position is that he ought to go ahead and ask and look out for the signs that she's merely putting up with his company rather than enjoying it. And if he perceives that's the case, then he can break things off soon as he figures it out.

I'm not thinking of the girl who lies because she thinks she has to lie, so much as the girl who lies because she's setting her cap for him. For the girl who thinks she has to lie, that's what all the preceding stuff is about.

I mean to say, I can't tell a bloke to never be the one to initiate anything. All I can do is tell him to look out for signals that she's not as interested as she might be telling him.

[alt_nymphadora]

I didn't say anything about telling him not to take initiative.

All I'm just saying is you'd do better not to mention the girls who might be setting their caps for him. He can figure out about them on his own, and he will do. In fact, I expect he already has done.

But you'd do better not to mention them because mentioning them hands him an excuse that boys use way too often for thinking some girls aren't worth worrying what you do to them.

[alt_sirius]

Right. Well, I don't think that's Harry but yes, that's just the issue. Boys do.

In some ways he's already figured that out, of course. But in some ways that's the problem: he's painting all girls with the same ink, before even trying to find out what they really think of him.

What about adding: Everything I've said above still applies, though: You've got to treat every girl with respect, no matter what their reasons for going out with you. And if you think there's a problem, for whatever reason, you owe it to her and to yourself to sort it out.

[alt_nymphadora]

You could do, yes. Talking about respect, though, sounds a bit more like a lecture than the rest of what you said, and the rest of it really is all right.

I was really just thinking you could leave out that bit about girls getting something they want, like this:

But even if a girl accepts on the basis of who she thinks you are, that's all right. It means she's getting something she's looking for, too, doesn't it? And I think you'll be able to tell, sooner or later, if that's all there is or if there might be something more meaningful in your, er, relationship.

That sounds more like you than the other, anywiz.

[alt_sirius]

Excellent, Dora. Cheers.